Outcomes

I’ve recently entered the dating world. I’ve met some very nice people and have had some genuinely enjoyable experiences with good conversation and seeing the city again after being so dormant for such a long time (thanks, but no thanks, Covid). 

I haven’t dated in a very long time. It’s funny how losing 130 pounds will completely change your outlook, restore your self confidence and all of that self care stuff you learned to get here, actually snowballed into a whole avalanche of positive changes. 

As I re-entered this weird world filled with landmines, inexplicable unwritten rules and some slight distortions of reality I figured something out. Granted, what I figured out isn’t original and many, who have taken a step back and thought critically about healthy dating, have also discovered that most people approach this enterprise with a less than perfect understanding of what success can look like. 

I promise this is relevant to music. Just doing some scene setting. 

The approach in the dating world and this is evidenced by all of the dating apps and websites (I’ve joined a few of them) and the attitudes of many of those out here dating, base “success” on outcomes. Everything is measured and each person is sent through a funnel to hopefully be channeled into a predefined outcome. 

What I’ve discovered for myself is that this might not be optimal (or even healthy). What I’ve come to believe is that the experience, the act of meeting a new person, putting in the effort, learning about this person, living in that moment, having that experience is what I consider the “success.” The experience is why, not hoping or expecting any sort of outcome.  

Now music. Making music, and more to the point, putting out music is just like dating. You’ve put in the effort, you dressed up, you picked a nice place to go and then what? You’re shuttled into a funnel now, hoping to come out the other side into a nice cozy outcome that you can easily identify, measure and label as a success or a failure. 

The way I’ve started to think about this, and I’ve always thought this but was never the center of my brain, that what I am truly passionate about is making this music and part of that passion is putting it out into the world. The experience of composing, performing, editing, mixing and publishing a release is the actual reward. I still do find myself getting caught up in thinking about outcomes and have discovered that when I notice myself considering the properties of outcomes, like the other week I was super proud that I hit a number of followers on Spotify. However, after sharing that metric with some friends I actually snapped back and realized, “wait, that actually felt pretty empty.” 

What doesn’t feel empty is sitting with a guitar and just starting to make a noise. Then having that noise slowly get shaped into something that resembles a song. Walking into a recording studio and setting up a drum kit and then sitting down on the stool and putting the headphones on and then hearing the click track start, clutching my drum sticks, with that smell recording studios all have. That silicone electrical insulation smell, I love it. I wish they made a recording studio scented candle. 

That feeling of reaching the end of a mix (which is usually achieved when there is no more damage you can possibly do to your song! Ok that’s mostly a joke, and if you’ve ever mixed anything you probably can appreciate more than just the joke here)

The relief and sense of accomplishment when your finished and mastered record is uploaded and all of the work and effort you put into it has reached an actual finish line. You did it. That’s the real success. 

Letting go of the expectation that any one will listen, that any sort of outcome will materialize is really quite liberating. I am free from fear and regret and care what the world may think of my work because I’ve allowed myself to have the experience of making it and that is all I want from it. 

I don’t practice music so that I can achieve an outcome, I practice music because I get to practice.

And with dating, like in music, should I find someone with whom I have a connection with, then that would be a happy thing, but I practice not setting that (or any) expectation. If someone listens to a song I made, then I am happy that I’ve made something someone else can appreciate. Connection formed.